My views on Gen Z have shifted. I’m not anti-Gen Z, by any means…

BUT…I think that the Millennial Generation (as in all 1.8 billion of us, worldwide) should get really close with Gen Alpha, teach them the Ways of the Millennial (all the tricks, the lingo, the culture, everything), then watch them rule the world when we retire.

In fact, the way things are going, that may be the only way the Millennial generation could ever experience retirement.

Plus, most of Gen Alpha already appreciate the 90s culture. Way, way more than Gen Z.

Home Alone, Super Mario (games and cinema), TMNT, Hook (with Robin Williams), Space Jam (with Michael Jordan), they get it.

Also…A Goofy Movie, Legos, old-school Furbys, Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, they dig it.

Plus, Gen Alpha is smart, like really smart; and wise. I don’t know how to explain it. Most of them have this…reincarnated old soul kind of vibe about them that is very refreshing. They see the world we see, but they also have this “I’ve been here before, haven’t I?” kind of vibe.

There’s also a fearlessness about them, a legit confidence that the anxiety-ridden Gen Z kids just don’t have.

Case and point: A friend of mine’s kid, a Gen Alpha girl, for Halloween went as one of those Inflatable Tube Men with the Waving Arms, the kind you usually see having either a dance party or a seizure in a used car lot. This product was that girl’s costume.

Genius. Hilarious. The girl isn’t even 12, and she clearly already knows how to party. And if my spidey-sense is even remotely accurate, she’s gonna be unstoppable as an adult.

The point is…I think that we, the Millennials, should adopt Gen Alpha officially, like as a generation, then train them, like ninjas, to mock Gen Z into being better adults. And by mock, I mean…relentlessly roast them, and their nihilistic behavior, and their snowflake feelings, until they all grow out of it.

It’s a big task, I know, but I think, with our help, Gen Alpha could become the next Greatest Generaton.

And I get it, about a billion years ago, I wrote a piece, that nobody read, praising Gen Z…for being funny, for being creative, for mocking Boomers (all of which is still true), but…now, I’m starting to see the little turds that occupy their brains from time to time. 

These Doomer-Gloomers are blaming us for stuff we didn’t even do, or agreed to.

They think we caused the housing crisis. They think we wanted the participation trophies. And now they think that we’re keeping them out of the job sector.

They literally think we are Boomers.

Who? What? Why? When? And where did that come from?

How is it that we’re the ones they blame for the current collapse of the American Empire? You’d think, if anything, they’d blame Gen X, their parents, OR…their arch-enemies, the Baby Boomers.

And to think, when others used to say “oh, Gen Z is so dumb. They can’t work a real job, or use a rotary phone, or do simple math in their head, or look people in the eye, or drive without texting, or read a menu without having to sound out the big words,” I used to say “don’t blame them, they were never taught those things. Blame their parents, or Gen X, or the Boomers.”

Now, I see Gen Z, generally speaking, as little arrogant cynics, who can’t go anywhere without their security blankets, their little security screens.

Seriously, they blame the Millennials for their problems now…like a Boomer.

I used to say “It’s the teacher’s fault,” or “it’s the parents’ fault. They’re the reason Zack, at twenty-four, still can’t read, and wears a snuggie suit to the office.”

Now, I see it. I see it very clear.

Gen Z may be a certain kind of special.

And before anyone says “Whoa, whoa, whoa, that’s just…awful,” you should know…they started it.

Also…I don’t think they know how time works, as in, it moves forward and doesn’t jump around like their favorite Netflix movie. These Zoomers will dress up like Britney Spears from the late 90s/early 2000s, or Paul Walker in the first Fast and Furious movie, then scream “stop copying us, millennials! You have no sense of style!”

Which makes me think… “are they really that out-of-it? Or are they coping I get most of them can’t read, and sure, Covid wrecked them as social creatures, but…do they really believe time goes backwards?”

Last thing I’ll say is…what if the Boomers and the Zoomers are actually the same people?

Think about it.

A Wealthy Millennial will build a social media app.

A Poor Millennial (like me) will write a book.

A Rich Boomer and a Rich Zoomer act the exact same. “Work harder, Millennial, also…fund my pampered lifestyle.”

A Poor Boomer and a Poor Zoomer are also similar. “I just maxed out my sixth credit card because the World is Ending.”

Also…no, Gen Z, yelling “it’s just a prank!” after kicking someone in the face on TikTok does NOT shield you from experiencing real world consequences.

Sorry, that wasn’t actually part of my thesis, but…that’s why I like Gen Alpha.

Gen Alpha isn’t obsessed with fixing or ending the world. They’re not arguing about the fall of the current civilization or blaming Boomers for high inflation and a stagnant housing market.

No, they’re not doing any of that.

They’re dressing up like inflatable tube men, creating kingdoms on Minecraft, living their fantastical dreams through Legos, and finding joy in the simple things.

They’re just kids, they’re on a totally different level than the all-too-serious Boomers, Gen X, and Gen Z. They’re like us, the Millennials.

Our childhoods were so great that when society started mocking us, and the outside world started falling apart, we retreated into our hobbies, and our projects, and all the stuff that made us happy.

I think Gen Alpha may be the second coming of the Millennials (Millennial 2.0) which means…we can prepare them for the world that they will end up running.

So yes, I think we should adopt Gen Alpha.

Teach them the old ways of backyard exploration, show them the ancient scrolls of Huckleberry Finn, Goosebumps, and Castlevania. Introduce them to 90’s Robin Williams, GoldenEye and Are You Afraid of the Dark?

Then, when we finally start showing signs of aging…we hand them the keys.

Because if the future belongs to anyone, it belongs to those who find joy in the little things, like a malfunctioning advertising mascot and a 1000-piece jigsaw puzzle. The world is already over-saturated with the rantings of professional doomsdayers.