An UNREAL Autopsy of Helen Keller

September 23, 2024

Comedy, Helen Keller, Historical Breakdown

Some of you probably read that title and thought to yourself…

“Is this Cody fella–who I’ve heard is strikingly handsome and totally crushing at life–is he an admirer of the late and great Helen Keller? Will this blog post/historical analysis be a shining tribute to the blind and deaf superstar who helped shape and mold the American culture into what it is today? Is that why he put ‘unreal’ in the title? Because when I usually see adjectives like ‘unreal,’ or ‘unbelievable’ or ‘incredible,’ I tend to take it as positive, so…”

No, no, it’s not why, and thank you for the ‘strikingly handsome” compliment, it means a lot.

I don’t believe Helen Keller was real.

Let me rephrase…I don’t believe Helen Keller was how the history books describe her. Sure, she may have been a “real person” from rural Alabama, you know, with a pulse and a family, HOWEVER…the mainstream narrative surrounding her unbelievable life, to me, reads more like fiction.

And you wanna know why?

SHE HAD A BRITISH ACCENT!

Sorry, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s back up…

Helen Adams Keller was born on June 27, 1880 in West Tuscumbia, Alabama. Her father, Arthur Henley Keller, was a retired Confederate Army captain and the editor of the North Alabamian, a local newspaper. Her mother, Catherine Everett Adams Keller (from Memphis, TN) was an educated daughter of Confederate general, Charles W. Adams.

And according to the good men and women at Wikipedia, the Keller family (and Helen’s four siblings) lived on a homestead (Ivy Green) built by Helen’s paternal granddad. And based on the footnotes of the same page, the Keller family was part of a slaveholding elite prior to the American Civil War (1861-1865).

Helen Keller was born into a family of wealthy has-been slave owners.

Wait, are you’re saying–?

All of this is part of the mainstream narrative. Let’s keep going

At 19 months old (1 year, 7 months), Helen contracted an unknown illness that left her both deaf and blind. Doctors at the time described it as “an acute congestion of the stomach and the brain.” Some think it was scarlet fever or meningitis (Helen Keller Birthplace.org). Others speculate the culprit to be the bacterium Haemophilus influenzae (despite it’s 97% juvenile morality rate).

Point is…no one really knows what caused it. But there are theories.

According to Helen Keller Birthplace, Helen was very intelligent (despite her condition) and developed a limited (or rudimentary) type of sign language, but soon realized that her family communicated with their mouths rather than signing. This obstacle left her isolated, unruly and prone to wild tantrums. Some members of her family considered institutionalizing her.

Two things real quick.

1. How’d they know that Helen “realized” her family communicated with their mouths? She lost her two main observational abilities before age 2, but somehow “realized” everyone else communicated verbally?

“Because she wrote about it in her autobiography that was published in 1903, that’s how we know!!”

So, 23-year-old Helen Keller (still deaf and blind 21 years later in 1903) could recall/describe her toddler years? Most people, generally speaking, can recall moments between 3 and 4, and that’s with all five faculties being constantly bombarded with new world stimuli. Did she, per chance, have the same gift Terence Howard allegedly has? You think Helen could recall her womb experience too?

Also…how can we be so sure that this “communication realization” explains why Helen Keller was so unruly and prone to tantrums? Could it be because…

2. She was a toddler (instinctually unruly creatures prone to wild tantrums) trying to make sense of what just happened to her.

Sidebar…the idea of family members being cool and totally on board with a deaf and blind toddler being institutionalized…is legit dark.

3. AKA BONUS TRACK: It’s 2024, and the medical world is still wondering what messed up Helen Keller’s cognitive abilities. Really?

Medical Imaging and X-Rays (in 1895): Check.

Penicillin (in 1928): Done.

Organ Transplant (in 1954): Done-r.

Stem Cell Therapy (in the 1970s): Inject that sh*t right now.

Helen Keller (today): Uh, well…we have theories…but still…no idea.

In 1886, Helen and her parents traveled to Baltimore, Maryland, to see an oculist (optometrist) who had had some success with eye issues.

Wait, wait, wait, sorry…spotted something funny in the details…

“Seeking to improve her condition, in 1886 Helen and her parents traveled from their Alabama home to Baltimore, Maryland, to see an oculist who had had some success in dealing with conditions of the eye.”

The Biography of Helen Keller, HelenKellerBirthplace.org

You SEE it, right?

“Helen…traveled…to see an oculist…”

Intentional or not, that’s hilarious. Alright, moving on…

The doctor was unsuccessful in restoring Helen’s sight, but referred her to the very famous, telephone-inventor, Alexander Graham Bell. He had gained a reputation for working with deaf children in Washington, D.C. and later connected the Kellers to The Perkins Institute. On March 3, 1887, Perkins alumni, Anne Sullivan came to Ivy Green to work with the disabled 7-year-old.

And then…Helen unleashed on Anne (hitting, kicking, knocking out a tooth), but, in the end, they began to trust each other.

A month later came the “a-ha” moment. That wild, miraculous moment most American kids experienced in 7th grade English class while reading (or seeing a high-school production of) The Miracle Worker.

Anne Sullivan, thinking she had failed, held the girl’s hand under a running well-pump and spelled out W-A-T-E-R in sign language. And for a while, nothing.

All of a sudden…Helen’s tiny little fingers start to mimic her.

And according to mainstream history…that moment was a game-changer. By nightfall, Helen had learned 30 words. And six short months later, she knew 625 words.

Pretty miraculous, right? It’s kinda wonderful if you think about it.

BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE…

Just prior to the water-pump breakthrough, this happened…

“The morning after my teacher came she led me into her room and gave me a doll. The little blind children at the Perkins Institution had sent it and Laura Bridgman had dressed it; but I did not know this until afterward. When I had played with it a little while, Miss Sullivan slowly spelled into my hand the word “d-o-l-l.” I was at once interested in this finger play and tried to imitate it. When I finally succeeded in making the letters correctly I was flushed with childish pleasure and pride. Running downstairs to my mother I held up my hand and made the letters for doll. I did not know that I was spelling a word or even that words existed; I was simply making my fingers go in monkey-like imitation. In the days that followed I learned to spell in this uncomprehending way a great many words, among them pin, hat, cup and a few verbs like sit, stand and walk. But my teacher had been with me several weeks before I understood that everything has a name.”

Excerpt from Chapter IV, “The Story of My Life,” 1903 — Helen Keller

Just a couple things to point out.

“I was simply making my fingers go in monkey-like imitation.”
- How does a deaf/blind child know what a monkey is? Or how one acts?
- How did she know her fingers were called fingers?
- How did she know that they were making a monkey-like gesture?
- Did she somehow meet a monkey between 0 and 19 months, then vividly recall this experience?
“When I finally succeeded in making the letters correctly I was flushed with childish pleasure and pride. Running downstairs to my mother, I held up my hand and made the letters for doll.”
- So, this blind/deaf 7-year-old signed d-o-l-l, then ran downstairs to her mother? Let me repeat…a blind/deaf girl (since infancy) ran down a flight of stairs…to her mother. How? How? How? and How?
  - How did Helen know she was successful signing d-o-l-l?
  - How did she know if she was wrong? (Pinch for ‘no?’ Soft caress for ‘yes?’)
  - How did Anne distinguish between the two without tormenting the poor girl?
  - How did she know her mother was downstairs?
  - How did she know her mother was even in the house…let alone on another floor?
  - How did she understand the concept of a mother with only 19 months to visually and audibly refer to?
  - How does a blind/deaf child run anywhere without inflicting serious injury?
“In the days that followed I learned to spell in this uncomprehending way a great many words, among them pin, hat, cup and a few verbs like sit, stand and walk.”
- So…she used an uncomprehending method to comprehend words? That’d be like if I said “I mastered Texas Hold’em by playing checkers,” or “I studied Russian by reading Portuguese.” Doesn’t make sense. And she didn’t just comprehend a few words, she comprehended MANY WORDS including “verbs,” not just nouns.

What if…after that game-changing d-o-l-l moment, Anne Sullivan grabbed Helen’s hand and finger-signed Y-o-u-r-M-o-m-I-s-D-o-w-n-s-t-a-i-r-s. B-u-t-B-e-C-a-r-e-f-u-l. T-h-e-F-l-o-o-r-I-s-C-o-v-e-r-e-d -i-n-W-a-t-e-r. A-l-s-o…Y-o-u-A-r-e-B-l-i-n-d. D-o-n-t-R-u-n-I-n-t-o-T-h-e-W-a-l-l-F-a-l-l-D-o-w-n-T-h-e-S-t-a-i-r-s-O-r-T-r-i-p-O-v-e-r-T-h-e-C-a-t.

Anyone think that happened? No? I agree…it sounds ridiculous.

You see where I’m going with this, right?

At 10, Helen mastered Braille, the alphabet, and the typewriter. At 13 (1893), she (& Sullivan) attended the William Wade House and Finishing School. A year later, they moved to New York to attend the Wright-Humason School and the Deaf, and the Horace Mann School for the Deaf. 3 years later, she attended The Cambridge School for Young Ladies (in Mass), then went to Radcliffe College (of Harvard University).

In 1903, her autobiography and first book, The Story of My Life is published with the help of Anne Sullivan and her husband, John Macy.

And in 1904 (at 24) Helen Keller became the first deaf-blind person to graduate cum laude (Phi Beta Kappa) from Radcliffe College with a Bachelor of Arts degree. Around this time, Helen Keller had developed/and later maintained a pen-pal correspondence with Austrian Jewish philosopher, Wilhelm Jerusalem, who is said to have “discovered” Keller’s literary gift. They never physically met. Wilhelm never left Europe, but they corresponded frequently.

So, if Wilhelm Jerusalem (born in 1854 Czech Republic) and Helen Keller (born in 1880) were pen-pals in 1904…that meant a 50-year-old man was actively sending letters to a 24-year-old disabled girl, right? That’s a little odd, don’t you think?

Also…what kind of letters where they sending to each other? Braille wasn’t a thing until years later, so, was Anne Sullivan sending and receiving these letters? How do we know Jerusalem was actually conversing with Helen? How do we know Anne’s writing wasn’t the “talent” he had discovered?

Just for shiggles, here’s a question for those of you, Millennials, playing the home game.

Q: How much in student loans did Helen Keller take out to attend the very prestigious Radcliffe College?

Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?

Alright, fine, I’ll make it easier for you. Was it–

A: $85 per semester with 2% interest
B: $500 a year with 5% interest
C: $75,000 lump sum with 4% interest
D: $0, because Missouri native and legendary author, Mark Twain (an admirer of 15 year-old Keller) introduced her to close friend (and uber-wealthy oil tycoon) Henry Huttleston Rogers, who was so smitten by the girl that he and his wife Abbie paid for her education.

That is correct. D. You must really know your stuff.

ALSO…Where is her family in all of this? I understand that her father, Arthur Keller, passed in 1896, but were any of the others involved in her life…AT ALL? She had 4 siblings (3 brothers, 1 sister). Are we supposed to believe that they had NO issue (NONE) with this crew of much older men (none of whom were suitors) giving attention to a very disabled, very vulnerable 24-year-old woman?

And it doesn’t end there, she met Charlie Chaplin (1918) on a Hollywood film set (somehow taught him sign language without seeing his face or hands), and every US President from Grover Cleveland to LBJ.

Side Bar: Remember Forrest Gump? And all of the historical figures he met and all of the events he witnessed during his cinematic lifetime?

JFK
Richard Nixon
Lyndon B. Johnson
George Wallace (Alabama Governor)
Elvis Presley (and inspired his Hound Dog hip-thrusting)
John Lennon
Dick Cavett
Abbie Hoffman (Anti-war activist) at a rally in front of the Pentagon.
Watched Watergate happen in real-time (and called the cops).
Healed Us/China relations via Ping Pong.

I’m not saying Keller is Gump, BUT…there are some interesting parallels.

So in 1904, Helen Keller graduated from one of the most prestigious universities to ever exist. According to an Educational Attainment chart brought to you by the good people at PBS.org, “High school and college graduates were rarities in 1900.” It goes on to state that “Few American adolescents completed high school in 1900, and only one in fifty finished college.”

So most Americans (with fully functioning eyes and ears) in the 1900s, didn’t get a high school diploma. And even less completed college. Yet…Helen Keller was so phenomenal, she didn’t just bypass high school, she got into Harvard at 16, and graduated 8 years later.

If this is true, can you imagine how great she would have been if she never lost her main two senses? She would be…like, a superhero, right? Or even worse, a supervillain? Daredevil was blind, and a lawyer, who used sonar to fight crime, right? So…

In 1904, the Radcliffe graduate moved to Wrentham, Massachusetts, and did something most millennials today can only dream of doing.

She purchased a home.

Probably with a few pieces of silver and some Boomer grit. No idea really, just speculating. 🙂

And then…Ms. Keller was off to the races, writing books, touring the US giving lectures, and affecting the American culture by touching the mouths, faces, and necks of famous people.

And to quote my buddy, Elliot Swoboda…

“that’s a Covid-no-no.”

She wrote 12 published books and many articles.

Her first story, “The Frost King” (1891, at age 11), was believed to have been a plagiarized rendition of “The Frost Fairies” by Margaret Canby. An investigation claimed Keller “may have experienced cryptomnesia.” The theory is that the Canby story was read to Helen, she then forgot about it, but the tale remained in her subconscious.

Or…could it be…that Sullivan rewrote the story, tried to get it published under Helen’s name, then blamed it on “cryptomnesia” when someone noticed something fishy?

In 1908, Keller wrote The World I Live In which gave insight into her feelings about the world. And later in 1913, she published Out of the Dark, a series of essays on socialism.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! Back up!

So, this 33-year-old woman in 1913, who hadn’t seen colors or heard one of her own farts since 19 months, you’re telling me she understood socialism? Really?

There are adults today, real-life human beings, who have no idea that tomatoes and lettuce come from the ground. Yet we’re expected to believe a deaf/blind girl from the early 20th century, a time before the internet, was an expert on socialism. And not just that, she was fluent enough to put her ideas on paper.

“Maybe she read a lot of books on socialism,” asks a very confident male student from the back row of an imaginary university lecture hall, “The Encyclopedia Britannica has been around since 1768, so who’s to say she didn’t study socialism that way.”

“How?”

“Braille,” the kid replies, “You said so yourself that Helen mastered the skill by 10.”

“The first Encyclopedia didn’t go Braille until 1964 (when Helen was 84) via the American Printing House for the Blind. By the way, how many books are available today in Braille?”

“I don’t know,” the kid shrugs, “half?”

“Less than 1 percent.”

“Oh yeah? According to who? Bill O’Reilly and Faux News?”

“The Association of Writers & Writing Programs. To be fair, they were quoting an article from the Guardian, which stated that only 7% of books are available for readers with visually impaired readers (including large print, unabridged audio and braille).”

Helen Keller hadn’t seen or heard a bird since infancy, but somehow understood socialism, how it worked, thought it was awesome, AND THEN…wrote a series of essays about it that was so on-point that it got the publishing industry to think…”YES! YESSS!! Finally! Someone gets it! Let’s print this and sell it to the world.”

Really? Really??

Sorry, rant over…for now. Back to Mainstream History.

In 1915, she co-founded the American Foundation for Overseas Blind (for WWI veterans blinded in the war). The following year, 1916, Anne Sullivan’s health began to deteriorate. And then…something unexpectedly rocked the Keller/Sullivan dynamic.

In 1916, when Helen was in her thirties and world-famous, her teacher and companion, Anne Sullivan, fell terribly ill. Anne’s estranged husband sent Peter Fagan, a twenty-nine year old Boston Herald reporter, to be Helen’s private secretary. The pair quickly became infatuated. Peter rapidly learned the manual finger-spelling language. Soon he spelled the content of letters, newspaper articles, and books into Helen’s open palm. In close contact with a man for the first time in her life — a man who shared her passion for politics, her zest for life — Helen felt alive, awake. The couple fell in love.

Helen Keller’s Secret Love Life, by David Servan-Schreiber, M.D., Ph.D, May 4, 2012 (The Huffington Post)

Now…guess what happened next? Come on, guess.

The two got engaged and planned to elope…

Okay, yes, and…then what happened?

The two got married, had a ton of kids, and lived happily ever after!

Wrong!!!

In fact, Anne and the rest of the Keller family were less ecstatic and more like “Uh, no, no, no, no, women with disabilities are NOT allowed to get married.”

I’m paraphrasing obviously, but you get the idea.

Wait…Does anyone else find it odd that her family shows up NOW? Think about it…

It’s 1916, Helen is 36 years old, world-famous, and single. She’s lived in cities throughout New England, landed multiple book deals, mingled with (mostly male) celebrities and had her tuition paid for by an oil tycoon. She’s graduated from multiple universities, bought a house, co-founded a foundation for blind veterans, and was later appointed to the Massachusetts Commission for the Blind…

But when she meets Peter Fagan, a man willing to marry her and…

According to a PBS.org article by Kathi Wolfe, Peter and Keller’s love was squashed.

“In June 1916, when she was 36, Keller met and fell in love with a journalist named Peter Fagan. Fagan, like Keller, was a socialist. He communicated with Keller by fingerspelling into her hand. Without telling anyone, the couple made plans to marry. But, Anne Sullivan and Keller’s family disapproved of the marriage.

Keller’s ‘extended family vigorously squashed the relationship with forced midnight train trips out of town, an angry and gun-waving brother, and drama worthy of a bad novel,’ historian Kim E. Nielsen writes in “Helen Keller: Selected Writings.”

Excerpt from “Helen Keller and Me – Why it was ‘her doomed love life that really made me identify’” — October 28, 2021 | Kathi Wolfe

Side Bar: If Peter Fagan and Helen Keller had been successful in eloping…do you think the family would have accused him of kidnapping her?

HOLD UP!!

What if the “real” reason the family said no to Peter Fagan was more of a financial strategy, you know, to keep her wealth within the family? And perhaps marrying her off would mean the rest of them would have to go out there and, you know, get real job?

As if, collectively, her family rose up from their 29 year slumber to be like…

“No, no, no, no, marriage life isn’t for you, Helen, that’s way too much responsibility for a girl like you. Writing books, giving lectures, traveling the world, rubbing shoulders with famous people, and running foundations, all of that we are fine with, but no way will we allow you to find love or happiness in a marriage, no, no, obviously, never are you allowed to enjoy your life without financially benefitting us, the ones who let Anne take over until we discovered what you were truly worth, yeah, sorry, marriage, that’s ridiculous.”

The family ultimately objected to the Fagen-Keller merger and prevented the marriage by moving the household (Keller, Sullivan, and her actual secretary, Polly Thomson) to Forest Hills, located on Long Island in New York.

And it’s a good thing they did because it freed up Helen to explore some other projects such as…writing a song for the military-industrial complex.

“What?” you’re probably asking yourself, “That doesn’t make any sense.”

I know, right, but according to Archives at the Library of Congress (check below for link to PDF file), that’s exactly what she did.

And now, I present the lyrics to…Uncle Sam is Calling.

Verse 1:

Uncle Sam is calling. I can hear him calling me.

Our country needs us. Ev’ry one to fight on land or sea.

Why I have served four years or more and want to go again.

To fight for dear old Glory the same as I did then.

Chorus:

Uncle Sam is calling for each and ev’ry one.

Calling for our country’s sake, for ev’ry mother’s son.

He wants you for the Infantry, the cavalry, the sea;

He wants you for the army to protect both you and me.

He is calling now for volunteers. So courageous be and brave.

Our country needs your services. Once again old Glory to save.

Verse 2:

Uncle Sam is calling. He is calling for me too.

My brother served his country for the old Red, White, and Blue.

He shouldered gun and musket when they called for volunteers;

He helped to save the old flag midst thousand, million cheers.

Music by Pauline B. Story. Lyrics by Helen Keller. (Published 1917, New York City, New York)

That’s real. That’s a real song published in 1917. That’s the same year the United States entered World War 1 (4/4/17), so…

Fast Forward to August 18, 1919. The silent film, Deliverance directed by George Foster Platt hit the silver screen.

“What’s it about?” ask the men of America very hesitantly, clinching their buttholes and recalling the Burt Reynolds film from 1972. “Sounds like, uh, sounds terrifying.”

It’s a 3-episode series chronically the life of Helen Keller. The title role being played by Etna Ross (Ep 1), Ann Mason (Ep 2), and Helen Keller (Ep 3).

“Oh okay, cool” they reply, relaxing, and asking a follow-up to be nice. “So, did it do well?”

And just like that…Keller kicked off a successful 5-year career on the vaudeville circuit that same year, so…I don’t know, maybe?

And if you think that she was done after all that, NO WAY…

In 1920, she founded the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU), advocating for women’s rights and those with disabilities. In 1924, she became the public spokesperson for the American Foundation for the Blind. Published My Religion (1927) a spiritual autobiography described as a tribute to Emanuel Swedenborg which ultimately pissed off tons of “biblical Christianity” followers.

In between 1936, the year Anne Sullivan Macy, her closest companion died, and her own death in 1968, Keller did everything a person could do in life.

She visited Japan, published a journal, met Eleanor Roosevelt, moved to Arcan Ridge, CT, hung out with veterans, toured 35 countries, went back to Japan in 1948 (and was credited with improving US/Japan relations after WW2). She received a Gold Medal award from The National Institute of Social Sciences, and learned her Alabama birthplace (Ivy Green) was turned into a Historic Landmark.

She won an Oscar for a documentary, published a book about Anne Sullivan, got to see (or didn’t) The Miracle Worker debut on Broadway, met JFK, had a stroke, retired from public appearances, then received the Presidential Medal of Freedom from President Lyndon B. Johnson, and was later nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.

June 1, 1968, Helen Keller died, and was memorialized by 1,200 mourners at the National Cathedral, with choral music performed by the Perkins School for the Blind.

IN CONCLUS–

SHE HAD A BRITISH ACCENT!

Oh, right, yes, thank you, voice in the back of my head, thank you for the reminder.

So, tell me, how does a girl who lost her hearing as a toddler in the American South grow up to speak with a royal-sounding, British accent? Think about it, like, have you heard a deaf person (from toddler age) say anything? Did Ludwig von Beethoven have an accent? He lost his hearing at 26, so maybe, but does Academy Award-winning Marlee Matlin (who lost her hearing at 18 months) have a definitive accent?

It would be different if Helen were born in the UK, but she wasn’t. In fact, according to the AFB (American Foundation for the Blind), Helen Keller didn’t travel abroad for the first time (to the UK, Scotland, and Ireland) until 1930, which would make her…50 years old.

Yeah…something doesn’t add up.

Alright, here’s my point!

FINALLY!

When I say Helen Keller was Unreal, I don’t mean she didn’t exist. She may have existed, yes, I am humble enough to admit that it’s possible, very possible, that a girl named Helen Keller was born in Alabama circa 1880, then lost her two main senses less than two years later, yes, that is totally believable. And did that same little girl grow up to do some interesting things, …sure, why not?

But did she do all of the unbelievable things the mainstream history books say she did, like writing song lyrics when she’s never heard music or single-handingly curing the relations between Japan and the United States? Highly doubtful.

IN CONCLUSION…FOR REAL! (I PROMISE)

Every good lie requires truth. You can’t tell a nonsense story and expect people to believe it, unless…there is a truthful foundation. Or at least something true that the reader can grasp.

Now, I could be wrong, but my theory is…Helen Keller was a real girl with very real disabilities who…later was turned into an icon (stay with me) and was used to push historical narratives. Like Nostradamus being used to push despair and end of the world propaganda, I think that Helen Keller’s story may have been wildly exaggerated in order to push some new -isms into the American consciousness (Feminism, Socialism, Globalism, etc).

Also…I think her “celebrity” was widely-publicized in order to tell women…

“Hey, you! Yeah, you, with the feminine features and your boob-shaped boobs. Is your man trying to keep you in the kitchen? He isn’t? Well, did you know that there’s a blind/deaf girl from Alabama, who has been crushing since she was 7? Like for real, this girl has defied all of the odds. She’s written a ton of books, all high-level stuff, that you, the average American housewife, are just too feeble-minded to understand. But that’s not your fault, you’re being oppressed by the men in your life. Also…did you know this blind/deaf chick was friends with Mark Twain, and like…a ton of male celebrities? Yeah, she couldn’t see them or hear them, but yeah, she is super close with all of them. What have you got to show for your life?”

You see it yet? Here…lets try another angle.

“What have you done with your life, millennial? Oh, you started a podcast? Why? So you can talk about how much you love avocado toast and complain about the great life the Boomers have given you? Oh, wait, it’s not a podcast, you started a what? A blog? Again, what makes you think anyone is gonna read it? It’s not like you’re Stephen King or C.S. Lewis or that blind and deaf Helen Keller girl from the history books. Who is Helen Keller? Well, if you actually went to class, you’d know that she’s from Alabama, started multiple organizations, somehow taught Charlie Chaplin sign language, and gave countless speeches with a “Queen’s English” accent (even though she was American, and 50-years-old when she finally visited the UK), like…what have you done, millennial? Helen Keller saw nothing, heard nothing, but changed the world cuz she’s got grit, so I gotta ask again…what have you done with your life?”

I think “Helen Keller” (the brand) was meant to spread envy amongst the female population, and further drive them out of the home and into the arms of the corporate world, which is hilariously, also run by men.

Side Bar: If you think about it (like, truly think about it), Feminism benefitted men in about a billion ways, but that’s for a topic for another day.

“Why her? What would be the point?” you may ask. “Why would they lie?”

It’s the same reason the media likes to use children (ala David Hogg and Greta Thunberg) as human shields to push gun control.

“Are you questioning a child?!?!”

…screams an angry internet troll when confronted with reality.

“How dare you question a child who the TV told us experienced something horrific, but keeps changing their story?!? How dare you? You! Monster!!”

Shame works. That’s why. Gaslighting, too. People who question the narrative of anything mainstream are usually the first to be confronted and accused (by those who once read a juicy headline) of being awful people. (The Moon Landing, Flat Earth, Chemtrails, anyone?)

In layman’s terms, nonsense presented by glorified ‘victims’ is rarely questioned and, most often, accepted as scripture.

Wait, so are you saying that the adult Helen Keller was an actress pretending to be deaf and blind?

Basically. In my opinion, yes, I thought that…was pretty obvious.

Prove it, you, women-hating, disabl-ist, conspiracy theorist.

Can’t prove it, just speculating, really. But since you asked so nicely…

Let’s imagine for a moment that you, the aggressive commentor, are having dinner at your apartment…or dorm room…or townhouse…and you hear a knock of the door. Outside, you see two pleasantly-dressed ladies. One is looking at you, the other is staring to your left, at the porch swing.

Your initial thought is “what the f**k is she looking at?” but you internalize it, then say “Hello.”

The first lady says, “Hello,” back.

The other lady doesn’t do anything.

Still with me? Cool, let’s keep going?

The lady looking at you, says “Hi, I’d like to bring awareness to a new, local committee that’s been started by my good friend, Margaret Never-Lies.” She grabs Margaret’s wrist and rubs it lightly. Margaret notices the touch, angles her head at her wrist, but says nothing. “Believe it or not, she wasn’t born blind and deaf.”

“She wasn’t?” you ask, very trustingly

“No,” the lady replies, “in fact, she lost her sight and hearing at 18 months.”

“Oh, the poor thing,” you say sympathizing with the story that’s in your mind, unaware you’ve already fallen for it, “that’s so sad to hear.”

And then…after the talking lady finishes the pitch, they go to your next door neighbor, and do the same thing all over again.

A week later, your neighbor’s dog hops the fence and tries to impregnate your Aussie, who turns out to be a boy dog that roughs him up in return. When you and your neighbor finally speak about the incident later, you ask “hey, were you visited by a pair of ladies in matching outfits?”

Your neighbor is like…”yes, and I was blown away. Did you know the blind/deaf girl wrote a book about socialism? Like, she doesn’t just understand socialism, she knew how to explain and write about it?”

“What is socialism?” You ask, feeling stupid, because you’ve been led to believe that a blind and deaf girl understands something you’ve never even thought about.

And then…BOOM!

A Myth is born…spread, and SOLD to the PUBLIC for Propaganda Purposes!

Bibliography

American Foundation for the Blind. “Helen Keller Biography and Chronology.” AFB, https://www.afb.org/about-afb/history/helen-keller/biography-and-chronology/chronology#:~:text=November%201936,England%2C%20Scotland%2C%20a.

Helen Keller Birthplace Foundation. “Helen Keller Biography.” Helen Keller Birthplace, https://helenkellerbirthplace.org/biography/.

HuffPost. “Helen Keller: American Icon and Inspiration.” HuffPost, 7 May 2012, https://www.huffpost.com/entry/helen-keller_b_1477393.

Library of Congress. “Uncle Sam is Calling: Patriotic Song.” LOC, https://loc.getarchive.net/media/uncle-sam-is-calling-patriotic-song-1.

Library of Congress. “Uncle Sam is Calling Patriotic Song Sheet.” LOC, https://www.loc.gov/resource/music.muswwism-200211393/?sp=1&st=image.

Lumos Learning. “Excerpt from The Story of My Life.” Lumos Learning, https://www.lumoslearning.com/llwp/passage/1764022/EXCERPT-FROM-THE-STORY-OF-MY-LIFE.html.

PBS. “Education in Helen Keller’s Time.” PBS, https://www.pbs.org/fmc/book/3education1.htm#:~:text=Few%20American%20adolescents%20completed%20high,population%20had%20graduated%20from%20college.

Perkins School for the Blind. “Helen Keller Timeline.” Perkins, https://www.perkins.org/resource/helen-keller-timeline.

Screen Rant. “Forrest Gump: The True Story History & Accuracy Explained.” Screen Rant, 16 Aug. 2020, https://screenrant.com/forrest-gump-movie-true-story-history-events-accuracy/.

The Guardian. “Accessing Books for the Visually Impaired: Braille Stats & Facts.” The Guardian, 4 Nov. 2015, https://www.theguardian.com/childrens-books-site/2015/nov/04/accessing-books-visually-impaired-blind.

Writers’ News. “Braille Stats & Facts.” Association of Writers & Writing Programs, https://www.awpwriter.org/magazine_media/writers_news_view/4934#:~:text=Braille%20Stats%20%26%20Facts&text=According%20to%20The%20Guardian%2C%20only,globe%20are%20available%20in%20braille.

Cody Wayne Heuer — A RantRealm