I think we overeat because we don’t know ourselves very well.

Hear me out.

Imagine if you have in your possession…a baby dragon.

Like, in your home. As in…you just got it. From your friend who works at the local Dragon store. And the coolest part about this whole thing is…it’s a dragon. You get to name it. Watch it grow, watch it fly, spit fire, see it pretty much do all the cool shit your seven-year-old self would expect a dragon to do. You’d get to see it happen in real time, you’d get to watch this tiny, little, adorable monster turn into an insanely sweet, yet horrific fire-breathing beast.

Now, let’s say this ridiculous premise actually happened. What is the first thing that would realistically happen next? For real, if someone was like “Hey, you can keep this…if you want.” And assuming you’re f*ckin’ crazy like me and replied with “of course, I will take this dragon and put it in my home where I live…and sleep,” how do you imagine this all playing out?

Correct, you’d be overwhelmed with fear. You may even sh^t your pants on the drive home.

I mean, it’s a dragon. In your sister’s dog kennel. Baby or not, that thing could end you with a breath. One cough, one exhale in the wrong direction and you’re done. But yes, the thought of having a dragon is pretty cool, I mean, it’s a dragon, come on. Like for real, who wouldn’t want to be like…

“Hey, David, that $75K sports car you drove off the dealership floor is pretty cool, but check this out, I own a dragon.” Then hold his stare until the silence turns uncomfortable, and say, “Be careful how you talk to me, okay? …And clean up your yard, it looks like a litter box.”

Aside from that, yeah, it would be pretty terrifying.

SO…what would you try to do almost immediately?

You’d try to tame it, yes, you’d try to keep it happy. By throwing food at it. You’d throw meat, you’d throw..sticks and stuff, basically anything edible until it was full. And you wouldn’t stop there. No, you’d do anything and everything to keep it from seeing you as its next meal.

And even after all that, the dragon still wouldn’t trust you. It will still definitely try to eat you. So, please be careful. Use your own discretion. Taming un-real mythological creatures isn’t for everyone. Well, I guess, on some level, the beast would trust you. You haven’t tried to kill it (even once) since signing the adoption papers, so…that is a plus.

OKAY…before I go any further, there are probably a few of you out there taking this scenario way too seriously, and are probably thinking, “this guy is stupid, he has no idea what all goes into owning a dragon, first of all, where would you chain it up? The basement?”

Yes, that’s exactly where I’d stash it, preferably next to the water heater. What am I gonna do? Chain it up outside? I’m sorry, what? No. That’d only pull in joggers, wannabe wizards, and the neighbor’s dog (the only pro in a list of cons). No, I’m gonna give the beast a chance to breathe before subjecting it to the opinion of others.

Anyways, back to the story…

You have this dragon, and it’s just finished its first meal under your care. And if you did the job right, you’re still alive and it’s asleep or at the very least in a food coma. But what’s going through your mind at this moment? Aside from “Holy Sh*t, I own a f*cking dragon.” You’re probably thinking…”this little guy is gonna be hungry again in like five hours. I’m gonna need to find some more food before I consider becoming buddies with it.”

You go out, find food, then come back to find the little bastard wide awake and looking at you weird. A little too weird…

So…you feed it again, and again, and again, doing your best to keep it calm and happy, and as it’s getting full, you start to talk to it.

It’s still looking at you weird. And probably thinking “what are you doing, dude? That’s NOT your purpose. Your purpose is to feed me. That’s it. Don’t talk to me, don’t ask questions…just feed me, okay? Like what do you think we are? Friends? Uh, no. I’m the beast and you’re the guy who feeds me.”

Where are my dragon nerds? How accurate was that translation? Not gonna lie, I’m kinda impressed myself, but I digress…

A few meals and three days later, the dragon is probably less skeptical and a little more like “you know what? You look weird, and you don’t make sense when you talk, but we are cool with the food thing. Don’t worry, I won’t bite your hand as hard, cause without you I’d literally starve…but, uh, you think, you could maybe, uh, I don’t know, give me some outdoor time, or like let me explore the rest of the house.”

You answer: yes. And then you dance.

A few months go by and you start to develop a relationship with this beast. It sees you as an asset rather than a nuisance. You gently show authority, let it see you as it’s master. Not fully, you know, like it’s still a dragon, even in the baby stage. Point is…the beast is still coach-able. (Dragon nerds, relax, it’s a metaphor, no need to lose your sh*t over an implausible premise, although I do kinda sorta believe dragons existed instead of dinosaursahhhh, okay, uh, so can we keep going? Awesome)

So you have this dragon, and you’ve started developing this relationship with it. It’s all based around food, but it’s still a bonafide relationship. The dragon is bigger, but it doesn’t want to eat you…as much because it still fears you on some level. Without you, it’d starve. Plus, why would it leave? Think about it. You’ve been giving it thick, hefty chunks of beef and chicken, and lamb, and venison, and other stuff.

Side bar: why is venison called venison? Butcher a chicken, it’s chicken. Butcher a lamb, it’s lamb. Butcher a deer, it’s venison?

Now I know what some of you are saying…”Butcher a cow, it’s beef,” with a hand in the air. That at least makes sense. The words “beef” and “cow” are single syllabled, simple. Venison sounds like an upgrade. As if you were to tell a plate of deer meat, “You’re no longer a deer, Mr. Deer. You’re now venison. You sound fancier now that you’re dead.”

Sorry, that went a little dark, but…my point still stands about venison.

My point is…the beast may not love you, but it’s perspective has shifted, you know, probably thinks about it. “If I really wanted to eat him,” it thinks, “I should wait until I’m unchained…and preferably on the second floor with access to the bedroom balcony…but yeah, I believe we have a pretty good thing going.”

The crazy part is…yes, it’s a dragon, but you’re also feeding it way, way, way more than the amount of carbs typically recommended for an infant dragon. (See? See where I’m going with this? Slowly tying it back together) The dragon is fat. You made it fat. 🙂 To stop it from killing you.

And so now you’ve got this fat dragon, still dangerous, you know, because of the breathing fire part. But good news is…it can’t fly very far. It’s wings are strong when it’s stomach is the size of a human being, not triple the size. Also…DON’T stand directly in front of it and I think you’ll be fine. Simple. Efficient. True.

Now it’s time to pull out the wine, or the whiskey, or the weed, and really get to know this motherf*cker. Once you find common ground on something, or discover you are birthday twins, that’s when you fire up the joint, and start asking the real questions. Like…

When was your first period? (Just joking, Dragons don’t menstrate…) But for real…start with a hardball like…”How old were you when you realized you weren’t a human?”

…crickets…followed by silence, then…

“Immediately,” he says, “Pretty much from the moment I woke up I knew I wasn’t one of you weird flesh-suit-guys with opposable thumbs and strong views against cannibalism. Yeah, I knew I was different. Nearly singed my hands with a sneeze. That isn’t really relevant to the question, I just wanted to tell you that.”

Good, you got him talking. Now what?

Order pizza, keep the party going, turn on a funny film. I personally recommend Pineapple Express with Seth Rogan and Kenny Powers. Also, dragons love that Electric Avenue song. It really seems to relax them.

Two weeks later, you start to feel comfortable enough to unchain him. Of course, you’ll need to go over the rules of the house, but you two are buddies now. He came clean about his crippling anxiety surrounding New York City rodents and farmers with fiery pitchforks, and you’ve opened up about your fear of abandonment and never finding true love. You two are at one with each other. At peace. Until the Omaha steaks arrive. But an hour later, following some strict negotiations, you’re back to re-watching The Office and doing Sudoku. At some point, later that night, you ask it “have you ever wondered why we’re here?” But the beast doesn’t hear you. He is asleep on the couch, with a half-eaten slice of pizza on his chest, with both talons outstretched and resting on the coffee table. He starts to snore, it’s not bad, but it’s also pretty annoying. So you go outside.

You think about life, and wonder when it all turned into a boring hum-drum existence. And then you realize most everything you learned in school was to make you a great worker, to make someone else happy, a dependable piece of a corporate entity that expands in profit, but doesn’t enrich your life.

In your heart, you know you were meant for something more than pushing papers at a law firm or vaccines in a pharmacy. You think about your childhood, remember how much you enjoyed writing tall tales about chasing tornados and taking out bad guys with a superhero best friend, who needs your help navigating the Bermuda Triangle.

You start to realize you were meant to create rather than consume, and oddly enough, you realize that most of the food you’ve been programmed to consume was fake and designed to make you weak.

And then, something in your mind clicks. “Maybe if I focused on what I enjoy,” you say to the wind, “and said ‘f*ck it” to the goals of Babylon, maybe life would become more interesting?” Then you look at your next door neighbor’s back yard (the one with the tree-house and the garden, not the one with the crazy dog), and think “I can do that. I could grow–“ But the dragon inside lets out a fart and blows up the coffee table.

A month later, you introduce the beast to your family. As a whole, they’re resistant. I mean, it’s a dragon. Obviously, there’s some concerns. But they warm up to him. Your four-year-old nephew is obsessed, constantly asking for rides around the neighborhood. His mother, your sister, says no, which is good. You’d rather her be the bad guy, right? And then, slowly but surely, you start to realize that his daily calorie intake (yours too) has drastically decreased from once an hour to once a day. That and Marshall’s air-time has significantly increased from a minute fifteen to forty-five minutes with energy to spare.

By the way, you’ve named him Marshall. No specific reason, you just like that name.

On your way home that night, you hop on his back and steer him home. You notice below your favorite mexican restaurant, then ask him if he’s hungry. He says “no, I’m still full from lunch,” And then, you realize…”I’m still full too, plus we still have tons of venison in the fridge.” And then bam, you realize “Wait a minute, did we just replace food with…friendship.”

Yes, yes, you did. You don’t think about food as much, cuz you’re having a badass time with your buddy Marshall, the dragon. That and your mostly protein diet has been doing wonders for your man boobs and your b*tch hips.

All of a sudden your pants fit a lot better than they did last week. Marshall’s clothes fit better too. He wears a bow tie. A real one, not a clip-on, but it’s been getting loose. “And why is that?” you may ask. “Because,” I reply, “you have finally taken your focus off food. Instead, you see it as fuel.”

So…that’s my point. Don’t focus on food, but rather delve deep inside yourself. Analyze your strengths and weaknesses, and be super honest. Then focus on what you enjoy doing more than anything in the world, and so on.

We all have a special talent. We all have a gift that makes us different. Find yours, dig deep, and then nurture it, build it, exercise it, and make it work. Stay hydrated, of course, but turn that focus from food and to your mission, tame your inner dragon, and overcome gluttony.